Premier League clubs who are unable to afford to sign anyone of note are scouring the lower leagues to find the next mouthy chav in the mould of Jamie Vardy, it has emerged.
Signing diamonds-in-the-rough from non-league clubs is currently en vogue, and top flight clubs are scrambling to show off their newest lairy dickhead as this season’s must-have.
Burnley Chairman, Mike Garlick, said: “As we’re dirt-poor and sh*t, high profile players don’t want to come and play for us. That’s why it’s so fortunate that signing rubbish lower league players is so hot right now.
“We actually can’t even afford non-league professionals or semi-professionals, but we’ve figured out that the local Sunday League is full of mouthy tw*ts with shit quasi-mohawk haircuts.”
Premier League clubs are said to be ditching their academies and overseas scouting networks and are instead looking to scout from factory teams.