Alan Pardew Hires Excuse Consultant to Help Him Come up with More Excuses

Ex-Crystal Palace manager, Alan Pardew, has enlisted the help of a leading Excuse Consultant to help him come up with more excuses, it has been confirmed.

Pardew, who has been sacked with Crystal Palace sitting 17th in the table, had already blamed: the Notting Hill carnival; science; referees; injuries; the Olympics; the crowd; the working class; Christmas; and Yohan Cabaye, amongst many more.

However, the excuse-well had run dry going into a board meeting which included Chairman, Steve Parish, which ultimately ended with Pardew’s dismissal.

Pardew said: “To be honest, I had run out of things to blame. I had been really creative in recent weeks, but the excuses were not sustainable on my own. We still kept losing and that’s what’s cost me my job. I thought about blaming Brexit, but I think Mourinho’s already done that one.”

“With the help of a professional Excuse Consultant, I’ll be back in the top flight soon and I’ll be armed with plenty of excuses next team my team’s form nose-dives, rather than take responsibility for performances on the field.”

“We’ve had informal conversations and perhaps blaming the local orphanage or the disabled could be viable options next time around, but I’ll be discussing that with my new consultant in the coming weeks and make no further comments at this stage. Thank you.”


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